That was the order for last night's event.
It was the annual ornament exchange my aunt organizes.
This is great fun and if you have a group of bawdy women friends who will get into the spirit of it, I highly recommend it.
It is a nice break to the madness of this season.
It started several years back as a way for a bunch of women to get together at a restaurant (that way none of us has to cook or clean up), have dinner, have a couple drinks and exchange a pretty ornament.
Somehow it evolved.
There is still the dinner.
There is still the drinking.
But the ornaments are no longer pretty.
The goal is to bring the ugliest, strangest or most inappropriate thing you can find.
The only caveat it that it must be an actual ornament.
It cannot just be some ugly knick knack with a hook on it.
Last year I got a 7-inch tall nun that is covered in glitter and holding a banner that read "Joy to the World." Only the ends of the banner look like sharp, torture-device type objects.
So the way it works is like a gift-exchange game. Everyone takes a number. The first person chooses a wrapped ornament and opens it.
The next person can either take that ornament or choose another wrapped ornament.
It continues that way.
If an ornament is taken, the person from whom it was taken can take from another person or choose another wrapped ornament.
The only rule is that an ornament can only be swiped twice, then it is out of play.
Last year was the first year I was able to participate since before that I always worked Monday nights. It was so much fun and I got to meet a lot of great people.
Even the waitress was getting into it and commenting on how much fun we were having.
So when I saw this snail ornament after Christmas last year, I went ahead and bought it thinking ahead to this year.
I bought it at Anthropologie for $3. Normal price had been $6. I saw one on eBay last night and they wanted $15. Crazy.
Everyone agreed that while it was not really inappropriate, it was borderline ugly and definitely odd.
My mom ended up taking the snail home.
The box said it was a "Hand-painted Collectible."
He appears to be sitting, legs akimbo, holding something in his lap.
It looks like a plate of gingerbread men.
And, coming right out of the middle of his crotch area is a very springy spring with a gingerbread man attached to the end.
It is quite phallic and inappropriate. I knew I must have it.
My only dilemma was choosing between him and the Santa dressed in camouflage and carrying a hunting rifle.